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Mar. 26th, 2007 @ 11:05 pm It's been a looooong while... so let's start with something heavy
Current Music: Carrie Underwood - "Starts with Goodbye"
Is there such a thing as being too independent? Have I worked hard to make myself shut up to other people? Do I really not let guys in? Have I actually built walls and started keeping people out?

These are questions that I've been wondering lately. I've been preparing myself to graduate and move somewhere, away from here, and so I decided months ago to not get involved with anyone because I didn't want to have any ties to keep me in a certain place since I wasn't sure where I would go, what I would do. Then I developed a crush on a guy from work. Which I told myself was okay because historically, he's not my type at all. If anything the relationship would be a fling of some sort... compared to me, he's got the whole bad boy image going on, and so I convinced myself that if we were to get involved, it would be brief since he's completely not my type. Which would fit in with what I was looking for at the time - nothing stable. Three months later I still have a crush on him and nothing's changed. Where was the brevity? Shouldn't I be over him and moved on? I still want a chance with him. I don't know what type of chance though. Do I want to date? Do I want a fling? I want to try to have something with him, but also I just want to move on, and I don't know why I can't. He hasn't made it clear that he's totally disinterested in me, but he hasn't given any positive signs either, and why I've been keeping hope, I really don't know, I guess I'm just stupid like that.

How does this relate to the questions at the beginning? I'm really not sure. It may not relate at all, but it's something that's bothering me. Oh, wait, I just remembered how it does relate. So with this whole situation, I do talk to my friends and let them know how I feel, but I don't think I tell them everything. I don't know if I let people know fully how I feel about him, or anything else in general. There have been a few nights where it's really gotten to me that I can't be with him, and I haven't let anyone know it. I rely on myself, I don't let myself cry, I just toughen up and tell myself I'll get over it. But I feel like maybe I need to just let it out. Be with a friend, have a should to cry on, or even just cry for a change. Lately I've been emotional, and I'm afraid that something's going to give and it'll be at the wrong time. I'm not just emotional about him - things like graduation coming up, finding a job, deciding where to go, and most importantly leaving my friends here - they're all working inside of me and making me sad and anxious. When Carrie and the other Maca-folk brought out a cake and sang happy birthday to me on my birthday at work, I seriously had to fight to hold back tears, and I don't know why. That's never been an emotional situation for me, but my God, I wanted to cry. The other week I was driving around late Sunday night, thinking about the guy I like, and I actually tried to reach out to someone, but of course when I did talk to someone I played it down, acted fine, like I didn't need anything. I keep shutting others out... or am I keeping myself in? Is there a difference?

Some moments come when I just want to break down infront of a friend, cry, hold on to someone who cares... but there are times when I see how ridiculous that would be and that I really have no reason to be so dramatic. I really just want to know what's going on with me. Is there a way around? Would another guy be a practical distraction from the one I like? Is that even what I need? Sure there are other guys I could be interested in, (decided to omit the names), but even they're bad choices because of their current relationship status or location. There's no one else local that I'm really interested in or feel like giving a chance. So does that mean I'm stuck in this emotional limbo? Will I eventually move on? Do I just need to wait until July when my lease ends and I'm forced to move on? This introspection thing is really hard and I don't think it helps at all anyway. I think last year when I was having problems with Andrew I tried to hurt myself to make myself cry - I knew that if I would just finally cry I would feel better, but I couldn't. (I wasn't suicidal or cutting myself, just like hitting myself and stuff.) I keep analyzing things too much. Like maybe I keep doing gymnastics and hurting myself so that I'll have a reason to cry. Maybe one day I'll fall and break my arm - that'd be an acceptable situation for tears, right? I keep pushing myself, I keep working, I keep myself occupied because I don't know what else to do. Is there anything else?
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Aug. 7th, 2006 @ 11:15 pm (no subject)



Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!



The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.



"And they're buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow's the first Gay Wedding! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!"



For, tomorrow, he knew... All the Gay girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!



And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing!



"I MUST stop Gay Marriage from coming! ...But HOW?"



"Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!



""I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
"With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!"



""All I need is a Scripture..." The Grinch looked around.
But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"With no Scripture on Marriage, I'll fake one instead!"
"It's one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said.



"Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gay benefits hung in a row.
"These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"



"Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.



"Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.
He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag!



""And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings."
And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.
Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood.
The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?"
"Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?"



"But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered,
"The judges are evil, the other states weird."
"I'll fix the rings there and I'll bring them back here."



"It was quarter past dawn... All the Gays, still a-bed,
all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"



"He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN'T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!



"And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!"
"It came without licenses, came without courts!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!



""Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn't come from the court.
Maybe Marriage...perhaps... comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay."
And what happened then...? Well...in Gayville they say
that the Grinch's small brain grew three sizes that day!



"And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud.
They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was "Married and Proud."



"And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF... hung the Gay Rainbow Flag!



"The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said "These are my children,
and I love them all."






</html>
http://www.myspace.com/humanrightscampaign









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May. 15th, 2006 @ 10:36 am (no subject)
Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
age
Stripper Name:Billy Jean
Specialty:you have the best figure
Customers say:"He makes me go pee"
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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May. 14th, 2006 @ 02:37 am it's been about a month
I want to tell you that I think you're stupid. I think you're wrong. I think you've made some bad choices, and I hate you for them. I want to tell you how I used to be happy all the time, that was even a nickname in high school. I smiled all the time, just because I felt like it. When we were together I was elated. A friend even noticed how happy I was with just life in general, and I really was. I felt secure. I felt like I knew things. I felt loved. Now I want to cry. I want to punch someone, but I just don't have the passion. I'm deflated. I don't feel like me. You changed me, and it's not for the better now. You got to me, you got under me, and you turned me inside out. I want to tell you that I want you back, that I want you to fix this. But I can't. I won't let you. You hurt me, you wronged me, you loved me, you lied to me when you loved me, and I loved you all along. I would say that I'll take you back when you get back, but I won't. I won't let it happen again. I couldn't take it if I did. It's not fair. And I think it's mean how you did this. You had been gone for months and it's still months until I can see you, until you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me, until I can see that it's actually real. Months before I can actually start to get over you. I don't know what I'll do when I see you. I still haven't cried, but lately I've felt a lot closer to letting that happen. I'm also growing more and more angry, and I hate it. I'm hostile to other people, I won't give other guys a chance. You cheated on me and broke up with me, and I'm still faithful to you. What the Hell is wrong with me? And what's wrong with you?
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May. 5th, 2006 @ 10:17 pm (no subject)

Chase Pills:



Will cause increase in hand eye coordination


'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com
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May. 1st, 2006 @ 09:02 pm (no subject)
Let me get this off my chest.

I do NOT want to be here. I did not want to come to Virginia Tech in the first place. It was somewhere around the bottom at the list of colleges I actually was considering. But I'm here, trying to figure things out, and I've finally figured them out. So I call mom and dad, tell them how I feel and what I want and how I would go about it, and dad goes on to tell me it's the biggest mistake of my life. That it'd be a shame. But he'd support me, but it'd be a shame. That I shouldn't do it, that I'd be on my own if I did. That my decision was stupid and I would end up regretting it and not succeding in what I wanted... yet he said he'd support. Sure, like the support I've gotten from them in everything else. It's pretty much non-existent. I don't know what my parents' definition of support is, but it definitely clashes with mine. I was crying when I hung up the phone, and I really don't know what I'm doing now. After I had made my choice I felt so happy. I really don't like being here, I feel smothered with stress and anxiety about this future that I don't want. I felt free today and now I'm back to where I was.
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May. 1st, 2006 @ 11:54 am I love this!
Everyone needs to repost this and spread the word, please!

http://www.weeklydig.com/index.cfm/issueID/13ebb52c-9ef9-446f-9a8b-8fe35a952264/fuseaction/Article.view/issueID/13ebb52c-9ef9-446f-9a8b-8fe35a952264/articleID/43a76a56-8b87-4041-a6c8-f15ac061bcb7/nodeID/4b1339d1-be3a-44a2-be8b-1484963a003a
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Apr. 24th, 2006 @ 04:11 pm this was actually true

I am a toboggan!
Find your own pose!

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Apr. 19th, 2006 @ 11:23 pm "Satisfied" - Ashley Monroe
Current Music: Jo O'Meara - What Hurts the Most
I want him but he don't want me, he wants somebody else that I can't be, and she's got a man that she wants to leave, cause he can't seem to make her happy.

Does it have to be wrong to make it feel right?

Tell me why... ain't nobody satisfied?

Old man lookin' at a photograph of a love that's long gone from his past, and his wife's got a letter that she can't read from a boy who never came back from the sea.

All these secrets and lies we keep deep inside. Does it have to be wrong to make it feel right?

Tell me why... ain't nobody satisfied?

See that man walkin' down the street, yeah, what are the odds he's the one for me? And what if I pass him by and he's got the love I need?

Tell me why... ain't nobody satisfied?

I want him but he don't want me, he wants somebody else that I can't be, and she's got a man that she wants to leave, cause he can't seem to make her happy. See that man walkin' down the street, yeah, what are the odds he's the one for me? And what if I pass him by and he's got the love I need?
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Apr. 19th, 2006 @ 11:40 am (no subject)
6 months.... done
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Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 08:36 pm (no subject)
If you're the death of me, darlin', I wanna die
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Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 09:08 am (no subject)
I had a dream that my family was moving to Warrenton, Ohio. I had never heard of Warrenton, Ohio, but I Googled it just now and it exists.
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Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 12:11 am (no subject)
Am I a sucky English major? Two of my teachers have told me to go to Culinary School. I have great grades, but I realize I don't exactly think like the typical English major should. Maybe I should just go and pursue my childhood dream of being a bigshot Hollywood actor. No degree required.
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Apr. 17th, 2006 @ 12:09 pm (no subject)
damn it
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Apr. 3rd, 2006 @ 08:55 pm Chase on . . . Knowing People
I'm not a psychology major. I've never taken a psychology class. I skipped that cliche college thing and just stuck to what I wanted to take. But did you know that I am good at psychology? I don't know any of the technical terms, and I may not be a psychology specialist, but I am an English major. I read literature. I analyze characters, author's intentions, life parallels, history parallels, critics' responses, etc. As most English professors could tell you, I am versed in psychology that way. I can read people, analyze them, given certain information, like I'm reading a book. There are certain characteristics of people that I've discovered that seem universal. For example, there's this thing that I call The Superhero Within. Superheros seem like normal people on the streets. Clark Kent, Peter Parker - you wouldn't see them and think, "He's a superhero!" You seem them and think, "Oh, he's cute, in a geeky way." They simply pass for normal. But when the time comes, day or night, they know that they can take on any dark power and overcome - because there's a superhero within them. Of course there aren't really any superheros like that in our world. But people don't like to admit that. A lot of people like to think that they're the superheros and that there are powers hidden in them, and that when the time is right, they'll discover their power. No one wants to be normal. No one wants to think that they're human. Everyone wants to be more, to be above human. They don't want their actions to be explained by human nature, because they believe that deep within them is a superpower that puts them above everyone else, that changes their psyche from human to superhuman. What I believe further is that once you come to terms with that fact that you're only human, you can start to explore what that really means. The kind of person that you are, the things that you're capable of. This can help people in all sorts of areas, from business to relationships. They're all forms of human interaction, so if you know you're a man and not Superman, you can better interact with the rest of us.
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Mar. 20th, 2006 @ 10:13 pm Confessing my life
I started writing a novel today. It's largely autobiographical and it's definitely about gay life. It's actually the story I didn't think I should tell, because I never saw a need for it. But today in Women's Lit our teacher told us that our class is really becoming a top authority on immigrant feminist literature, because there's not really a canon for it and there's not much research done on it. It's sort of like unchartered territory. That made me realize that so is gay literature. Gay experiences, men and women, passive and aggressive, and every aspect of a gay person's life - it's still new. My novel could be easily related to by other gay men, older or younger. It's like the feminist standpoint theory, but for homosexuality - as homosexuals we all have a perception that on the whole is different from heterosexuals because it's shaped by our differences and the things that we go through that are unlike that of heterosexuals.

The novel begins with my senior year of high school, and I'm not sure how far I'll take it. It really depends on what I want the focus to be. I'm not sure of the focus, but I'm definitely going to delve into image and perception (of the self and others) which is itself a very human thing, especially in the modern world. Of course I'm also going to include relationships, sex, and love, and actually I think I'm going to use my relationships to push the narrative on. It's sort of like a Dos and Don'ts list of my life. I plan on being honest in it, so I might as well be honest now. I'm not sure what all I have to confess, but there are a few. Hoping people reading this will be mature enough to handle responsibly what I have to say.

I've been on diets pills since I was at least 16 or 17. I still am.

I lost my virginity at 18 to Mike. I liked him, definitely didn't love him, but honestly I wanted to get it over with. I don't regret losing my virginity to him, but I do regret ever giving it up in the first place.

I don't like sex. I'll do it, but it's not something I very much care for. I'd rather do other things.

I cheated on Scott with a guy who I haven't spoken to since, basically a one night stand. I don't regret it either.

I didn't cheat on Justin, but I almost did. It was a month after meeting him, very early in the relationship. I spent the night in Richmond at a school Rally for Education, and Adam came over and spent the night with me. We watched some stupid Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie, wrestled on the bed a bit, he kissed me, but I didn't let anything go beyond that. He slept over though, we cuddled. I secretly always hoped Adam would come into my life, I waited for him for nearly 3 years. I finally got over him last summer.

Two guys have tried to get me to cheat on Andrew, but I don't want to. I can myself with Andrew for the rest of my life, where ever he goes I'm pretty sure I'd follow.

I made myself throw up 3 times tonight after dinner.

I'm using Andrew as an excuse to get my body into better shape, and it's actually working.

I feel like I would like to drink a lot, but I don't like alcohol.
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Mar. 18th, 2006 @ 03:59 pm I finally know!
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: "Every Moment" - Joy Williams
I've made up my mind about what to do after graduation, which will hopefully be next year if I get my credits right.
I've decided that I'm going to go to Culinary School back home in Bristol, VA. I'm not sure what school yet though, I've got two mind. One is part of Virginia Intermont, a school in Bristol (they started their culinary program when I was a senior in high school). The other is a newer school founded by the former head chef of Intermont's program (he got fired when I was a freshman at Highlands). Anyway, he was a cool guy, I remember meeting him once, and he's started his own school also in Bristol I believe. Either way, looks like I'm going to be moving back home next year. Not house home, but region home. Mom said I could definitely move back in, which would help save money, but I would like to get an apartment of my own or even move in with a friend back home in Abingdon or Bristol. The cost of VI's program is very nice and I could afford it on my own, and so I would also like to get a job back home and pay my own rent and become more independent. But I'm not opposed to living with mom and dad until I find a place of my own.

This really makes me happy. All of the things back home make me happy. My family, friends, the people in general, and the places. It's home. I'm not saying I'll stay there, but going back for school and living there a while is a great idea.

I was debating on even finishing college here at VT. I thought I could just finish up this semester and then for the next year just work and save up money for a new apartment and for school. But I think it would nice to have my English degree to fall back on as a safety net. Maybe after culinary school I could be an English teacher until I get a job as a chef or to make money to open my own restaurant. So I guess I'll focus now on getting all of my classes taken and out of the way so that I graduate for sure in the spring and then I can start school in the fall of 2007.

Clearly I won't be going to graduate school at UVA as I had previously thought. Sadly this means an even longer period of time for Andrew and me to be apart. Fortunately I believe that time apart can be a good thing, and it makes us even happier when we can be together. Plus it allows us to focus on our goals in life, yet at the same time we're still together. Or maybe he'll start looking at graduate schools near me, although I don't think he'd want to give up that UVA graduate degree (snob). :p I wonder how he feels about UVA-Wise. haha, here I am making plans for him. That's something I really need to work on. I make plans in my head for my life and others', and they're so idealistic and I always end up disappointed. I need to just let things develop, but there's nothing wrong with dreaming.
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Mar. 16th, 2006 @ 05:55 pm Supernatual - Sugababes
Current Music: Passion - Geri Halliwell
Put your music player on random, and ask these following questions, press next when you've finished each question and fill it out. NO CHEATING.

Song - Artist.


How does the world see me?: Whatever - En Vogue

Will I have a happy life?: Daylight in Your Eyes - No Angels

Do people secretly lust after me?: Against All Odds - Gavin DeGraw

How can I make myself happy?: Shut Up - Black Eyed Peas

What should I do with my life?: Let's Get It On - Gavin DeGraw

Will I ever have children?: Gotta Get Through This - Daniel Bedingfield

What is some good advice for me? Feel - Robbie Williams

How will I be remembered?: Rumors - Lindsay Lohan

What is my signature dancing song?: I Wanna Be Bad - Willa Ford

What do I think my current theme song is?: I Wanna Fall in Love - Chris Isaak

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?: Don't Get Any Better - Geri Halliwell

What song will play at my funeral?: Is You Feelin' Me? - 3LW

What type of men/women do you like?: Better Alone - Melanie C

What is my day going to be like?: Numb/Encore - Jay-Z/Linkin Park
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Mar. 7th, 2006 @ 10:04 pm (no subject)
Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
See thrillofdachase's results. )
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Feb. 28th, 2006 @ 06:38 pm Oh my

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Chase!

  1. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn into Chase!
  2. Chaseolatry is the mindless worship of Chase.
  3. Over 2000 people have now climbed Chase, with roughly ten percent dying on the way down.
  4. Until the 1960s, Chase was not allowed to enter Disneyland.
  5. Originally, Chase could not fly.
  6. Ideally, Chase should be stored on his side at a temperature of 55 degrees!
  7. In 1982 Time Magazine named Chase its 'Man of the Year'!
  8. South Australia was the first place to allow Chase to stand for parliament!
  9. The state nickname of Iowa is 'The Chase state'.
  10. Humans share over 98 percent of their DNA with Chase!
I am interested in - do tell me about
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